Take A Hint
by LivingDaLife
Summary: The childhood friend who's friend zoned, the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ over 200, the popular heartthrob who happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who sits in the shadows and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic-the possibilities are endless! Crack. Reverse Harem.
1. Take One

**A/N Hey y'all, I should probably be working on my next chapter for "A World Of Nothing," but I was being lazy and procrastinating (as usual) and was browsing through the Fairy Tail fanfics and I came across a lot of LucyxReverse Harems and I was like, "Wow, lucky girl." And then I decided to try writing my own-except, there's gonna be this big twist at the end that you guys are DEFINITELY not going to expect!**

 **I hope.**

 **Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.**

 **Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)**

 _ **I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.**_

 **Disclaimer: I have no patience for anything that doesn't involve chocolate, so you see, creating two anime series with over a hundred episodes each would not be my forte. So, I do not own _Fairy Tail_ , I do not claim to own _Fairy Tail_ , and that is that.**

* * *

 _Take One_

The day begins as usual: Lucy Heartfilia wakes up in her silk-swathed, luxurious king-sized bed (despite the fact that her family should be in financial straits due to her father's gambling problem, which has already somehow managed to pawn away not only all of the money his once successful enterprise generated for him, but also her _keys_ , which explains why every time she comes home, something is different about it, and why the Head Maid, Aquarius, is always waiting for her with a water-filled urn on hand), sits up, stretches, looks at her reflection in the enormous mirror set up directly across from the bed, and says, "Wow, I am ugly."

And she _is_ -just _look_ at that disgustingly sleek and shiny blonde hair, those repulsing, warm chocolate brown orbs (and why are they called orbs in the first place-it's not like an oracle can just look into her eyes and read the future, right?), her fat, curvy thighs, her horribly perky breasts, even that-and this is the worst of all-perfectly _smooth, tanned,_ and _flawless_ skin!

How can anyone bear to even look at her?

Tears streaming down her face, she cried over how ugly, worthless, and weak she is. She stumbles out of bed and heads toward the bathroom, reaching out with a shaky hand for the medicine cabinet, but before she can do anything, a hand wraps tightly around her wrist and she finds herself falling against a solid chest.

"Shh, it's okay, don't ruin your body with anything like pills and razors and ropes, you don't need those because you are beautiful inside."

Lucy calms down for a few seconds in the arms of her next-door neighbor, Gray Fullbuster (how he managed to get into her room without her knowing, she will never know, but it doesn't matter that a potential pervert-I mean, if you have a habit of _stripping_ , there's no way that you're _not_ a pervert-has easy access to her bedroom), before his words finally register in her brain and she bursts into tears again.

Despite being sweet and empathetic, Gray, like most boys these days, has no idea how to comfort a crying girl, and he begins to panic. "L-Lucy, are you okay? Do you need anything? What did I say? Are you okay? Do you want pancakes? I know you love pancakes. Where's your dad? How about your mom-oh, wait, I forgot that she's dead. Oh, shit, I didn't mean-what I meant was that-I- _Lucy_!"

With every word that comes out of his mouth, her sobs grow louder and louder, her self-hatred growing and growing until she's practically consumed in a black hole of self-loathing. " _You-you said I was only pretty on the inside! Waah! I'm so UGLY!_ "

Gray's eyes widen, but before he can say anything, the door slams open, and Lucy's personal maid, Virgo, grabs him and throws him down the laundry chute. His screams echo throughout the house, even as Virgo declares monotonously, "Hime-sama, your birthday breakfast is ready."

Lucy's tears immediately disappear, and the puffiness of her eyes and red-tipped nose immediately disappear, along with the tear stains that were running across her cheeks just a second ago. Her brightest, million-watt smile pulls across her lips and, forgetting that she hasn't brushed her teeth or combed her hair yet, she squeals, "YAAY!"

Even though it seems that every day is her birthday (yesterday, daddy bought her a whole cluster of stars, which look like a creepy clock/ship if she squints hard enough-and yes, it is an oddly specific shape, and yes, it was bought on purpose), Lucy bounds down the stairs, practically melting as the aroma of buttermilk pancakes that hold a dash of vanilla in their batter, smothered in maple syrup, salted butter, strawberries, chocolate chips, and whipped cream reaches her nose.

"Mooo, Lucy-san, your body is just as beautiful as yesterday!" Taurus shouts in a terrifyingly high-pitched voice as Lucy flounces into the kitchen, having somehow changed into a simple outfit of skinny jeans and a ruffled tank top that somehow manages to cling to and bring out all of her stunning curves, as well as dusted a simple, natural look of silver glitter eyeshadow, blood red lipstick, bronzer, foundation, and whatever else girls need to look pretty (don't worry, her makeup and clothes will somehow manage to change at least a million times throughout the day, despite the fact that she only ever goes to the bathroom to overhear her archenemy gossip about what a "slut" and "attention-whore" she is) over her face without even going to her closet or vanity once. Even though she had just been bawling her eyes out in Gray's arms a few minute prior about being the ugliest thing on the planet, she easily accepts her private chef's compliment and blows him a kiss without making a fuss, sitting down and immediately taking a huge bite out of the stack of twenty pancakes sitting on the table in front of her.

After she finishes, she glances at the clock and realizes that she's late (the thought that she hasn't seen her father this morning despite the fact that he no longer has a job and technically has no money to spend on gambling either tickles the edges of her consciousness, but then she decides that he's not important enough to distract from school life). Grabbing her school bag, which magically appeared next to her chic suede boots, Lucy runs out of her enormous "foreclosure" mansion.

* * *

Lucy manages to arrive at school on time, despite leaving only five minutes before the first bell rings (dun, dun, dun, SUPERWOMAN, dun dun dun), and drops into her seat.

Glancing around, she sighs despondently upon realizing that she's the only person without a person sitting next to her. How pathetic.

Seconds after that thought, the door slams open and everyone in the room immediately shuts up as Fairy High's resident delinquent, Gajeel Redfox, struts in like he owns the place. Without preamble, he stalks across the classroom and drops into the seat right next to Lucy. Turning in his seat, he flashes a sharp smirk at her. "Hey, Bunny Girl. Wanna watch me beat some guys into a pulp, then come back home with me and have shower sex?"

Lucy slowly blinks at him before she blushes and, ducking her head down, shyly glances at him out of the corners of her eyes. _Oh my gosh...THE Gajeel Redfox is talking to me...am I hallucinating?_ "I..."

"Of course she doesn't want to, you hunk of metal!"

Lucy's head snaps up at the sound of her childhood friend's explosive voice-Natsu Dargneel. Grinning madly, the pink-haired boy leaps over tables and lands in between Lucy and Gajeel.

Gajeel sneers, raising an eyebrow filled with piercings at Natsu. "What're you gonna do about it, huh, Flame Brain?"

Natsu's eyes narrow and, cocking his hand back, slams his fist into Gajeel's face. Even though Natsu's only experience with any sort of physical activity is fishing, he somehow manages to knock out the delinquent famous for getting in brawls (that explains all that messy hair-seriously, Gajeel, Lucy really thinks that he should be introduced to the invention called a "comb"). Natsu immediately lets out a high-pitched scream and cradles his broken hand, but Lucy pries his hands apart and lightly kisses his split knuckles, and he feels all better (completely forgetting that he should probably go to the hospital-punching Gajeel's face is equivalent to punching a metal sheet).

"You're the best friend ever!" Lucy squeals, throwing her arms around Natsu, whose face looks as if all of his dreams were shattered and he can never pick them up again.

"Luce, I've got to tell you something," Natsu breathes, even as the teacher finally comes in, thirty minutes late (the period is almost over! "I'm sorry!").

"What is it?" she whispers back, not exactly sure why she's whispering, but it's not like she cares.

Pulling back, Natsu stares into Lucy's innocent chocolate brown orbs.

Sucking in a deep breath, he practically screams, "LUCE, I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU FOR TEN YEARS! I'M ADOPTED-MY FATHER ABANDONED ME SEVEN YEARS AGO AND MACAO JUST HAPPENED TO FIND ME-EXCEPT MY REAL FATHER ISN'T JUST ANY PERSON-HE'S ACTUALLY A DRAGON, AND I'M HALF-DRAGON, HALF-HUMAN. I FOUND OUT THAT MY FATHER WAS THE KING OF ALL DRAGONS AND THAT APPARENTLY HE WAS ASSASSINATED BY THE FATHER OF THAT JERK-" At this point, he points at Gajeel, who has miraculously gained consciousness and is now smirking at Natsu. "-AND TWO OTHER JERKS' FATHERS, AND NOW I KNOW THAT MY DESTINY IS TO AVENGE HIM, BUT THEN I MET YOU, AND IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE, INCLUDING THOSE THREE JERKS, IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN, SO I'VE POSTPONED THAT ENTIRE 'REVENGE' THING UNTIL I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT NO GUYS WILL BE COMING WITHIN A TEN-MILE RADIUS OF YOU, AND EVEN THEN, THEY'LL HAVE TO PAY A FINE TO EVEN BREATHE THE SAME AIR YOU DO, AND-"

"Woah, woah, woah, hold up." Lucy waves her hands in the air, cutting of Natsu's tirade. Her eyes are wide, and for a moment, everyone thinks that she's either going to: a) blow up at Natsu for lying to her for ten years, b) burst into tears because his backstory is just so sad, c) run as far away from him because he's an insane asylum escapee, or d) bang him right then and there for being so thoughtful.

She chooses option "e."

"And what the hell does any of that have to do with me?" Lucy asks in a bored tone. _I'm obviously superior to him, so I have no idea why he's telling me all this_.

Natsu takes another deep breath. "BECAUSE I THINK WE'RE MATES, LUCY!"

 _Silence_.

"EHHHHHHH?" Shocked screams erupt from everyone's mouth, but a prominent, "EWWWWWWW!" pours from Lucy's.

* * *

 **LOL, I have no idea what I just wrote. I hope you guys got all of the random references I stuck in here, and that you guys will continue reading!**

 **I'm not sure when I'll update next, but keep up with the story if you like it, and if you review, don't worry, I don't bite! XD**

 **Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!**

 **Never (LivingDaLife)**


	2. Take Two

**A/N Hey y'all, here's the second installment to my random-ass fic** ** _Take A Hint_** **. I was surprised when, the morning after I posted, I saw just how many people read and followed. Is that the fandom, or is my book just that appealing? Probably the former.**

 **Anyways, prepare for EXTREME AWESOMENESS and the craziest, stupidest mash-up of all clichés!**

 **Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.**

 **Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)**

 _ **I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.**_

 **Disclaimer: I wish I owned _Fairy Tail_ , but since I don't, you can join me in the pity party corner and let's eat some chocolate. *hugs***

* * *

 _Take Two_

Natsu cringes, waiting for Lucy to do _something_ , but the girl is far too shocked and disgusted to do anything. Before she even thinks of opening her mouth to respond to the _proposal_ of _lifetime enslavement_ , the door slams open again, and Lucy's father bursts into the room.

She gasps upon seeing her father, whose once neatly trimmed hair is now a wild, long mass (despite the fact that it's literally physically impossible to grow that much hair overnight) and whose suit has been turned into a dirty, torn coat complete with a hobo sack. Quickly deciding that she doesn't want anyone to know that her father is this random, disgusting hobo, she turns her head to the side in an effort to hide herself from his searching gaze, but, unfortunately for her, she happens to be the only blonde in the classroom (why in the world is the natural hair color the most rare?), and he easily catches sight of her.

"Lucy!" he bellows, plowing through the crowds of insignificant, unimportant students (anyone who isn't the protagonist and her love interests has been reduced to scenery, and if you're lucky enough, you can be the protagonist's _sidekick_ ) and screeching to a stop in front of his daughter. "I was gambling and I forgot that we technically have no money, and despite the fact that I've been gambling ever since you were born, I still suck at it, so I managed to lose against this giant douchebag who started to kill me with a beer mug for not having the money on hand, but then I decided to sell you to him to pay off all my debts and get a few extra jewels so I can keep on with my horrible gambling. He's coming right now, go make love to him!"

"WHAT?" Lucy screeches, but before she can do anything drastic (like finishing the giant douchebag's unfinished work), the door slams open, and someone steps in. "HOW DARE YOU-oh my gosh, you're so sexy."

The white-haired boy smirks, his eyes raking up and down Lucy's body unashamedly. "You're not so bad yourself, honey. The wedding's in Vegas, two hours. Wear something pretty."

He turns around, about to leave just as abruptly gracefully, and sexily as his entrance, but Lucy, mesmerized by the arrogance that somehow manages to infuse itself into his every movement, spouts out the first thing that pops into her mind to keep him from leaving. "You're such a pompous, pretentious ass, but you're hot, so I am disturbingly attached to you, to the point of complete and utter dependence. What's your name?"

The white-haired sex bomb pauses for a moment before throwing the snobbiest wink over his shoulder at his ten-second fiancée. "Lyon Vastia."

Lucy, along with all the other girls in class (because we all know that in anime, girls in a high school setting are either: too dense, too bitchy, too sweet, too intense, too doormat-ish, too violent, or too fangirly-but then again, it's not like we can judge those last types, am I right?), squeals and swoons right then and there, steam bursting out of their ears as they melt into puddles on the floor.

But because Lucy's life, which has just started going in the right direction again (despite her melodramatic* bouts of depression, cacophobia, social anxiety-which, surprisingly, have not yet shown up, even though she once told Gray that talking to new people for her is "like walking across a barren gladiator arena where people fight to the death for laughs, except they're beating me up, and I can't breathe and-and-and-GRAY, MY INHALER!"), sucks balls, the windows fracture in unison before shattering in a rain of broken glass, everyone except for Lucy getting drenched in sharp, jagged edges, but apparently, they're all Iron Man because not one of them gets a scratch while Lucy, who happens to be the one sitting in the corner furthest away from the windows, gets ten million cuts and abrasions, not to mention where those shards end up.

You don't want to know.

And because everyone, even the unnamed minor characters, has fallen in love with Lucy, everyone immediately freezes, but since the plot requires her to think that everyone hates her for being ugly and stupid, they don't do anything and only watch with wide eyes as Lucy comes to the epiphany that yes, indeed. she is hated by everyone for being ugly and stupid ( _*zing*_ nice one, Sagittarius, you hit the bulls-eye! "Moshi, moshi!").

However, her plight is forgotten (even by the victim herself, but then again, Lucy _did_ inherit that goldfish attention span of her father's) when the thing/person that/who broke the classroom windows (epic and all, but, umm, ever heard of _school property_?) finally stands up, the dust and glass shards scattered from the explosion clearing up just in time to reveal his slim, lean figure.

"GRAY?" Lucy gasps, not believing her eyes. _When did he get so...hot?_

"I'm a werewolf!" the boy in question (exclamation?) suddenly and randomly declares, pulling a pair of cat ear headbands out of his pants (please, don't tell us where he got them out of) and plopping them onto his head as a large, bushy white tail magically grows out of his ass. "And Lucy, you're my mate!"

Lyon, despite having only met Lucy thirty seconds ago, growls at the intrusion on his territory-especially by _this_ boy. "Stay out of this, puppy dog, Lucy and I are going to get married, and you can't do anything about it."

Gray scowls at Lyon. "You're my brother, so you basically just called yourself a puppy dog, puppy dog!" Gasps and whispers of _"ooh, BUUUURN"_ echo around the room.

Lyon flinches slightly before regaining his footing, a cool smirk pulling at his lips. "I know you are, but what am I?"

The two glare at each other before continuing their little kiddy fight. "A puppy dog!"

"Well, you're glue and I'm a trampoline, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"

Gray's eyes widen and Natsu's scream of, "Suck it, Ice Puppy!" doesn't seem to help matters. Swallowing, he stammers, "I-I...ugh...I'm telling Mom!"

At that, Lyon's eyes also widen, but in a much more comical, much more terrified fashion. "No, anyone but her! I DON'T WANNA END UP LIKE DELIORA!"

"Dad had it coming," Gray says sagely, nodding his head, as if their entire conversation doesn't sound like something straight out of a kindergartener's idea of what cussing is. Then, his eyes widen again, and he wildly jabs his index finger in Lyon's direction. "HAA! You lost!" Pulling down the skin under one eye while simultaneously sticking his tongue out, Gray taunts in a slightly muffled voice (due to stupidly keeping his tongue out of his mouth), "Nuhw yuhw hahf tah han luheee ohfehh!"

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), Lyon understands whatever cultish nonsense his brother just spouted, and he pouts, puffing out his cheeks. Lucy (the protagonist who, despite bleeding out, is watching in rapt attention as two extremely hot, albeit childish, boys battle it out to have possession of her, but then she realizes how chauvinistic that sounded, and a dark aura starts emanating from her body) almost squeals and pinches his cheeks, but when her thoughts suddenly take a turn for the worst, she tilts her head down, letting her bangs shadow her eyes (even though everyone can still her chocolate brown orbs through the _realistic_ gaps in her blonde fringe). " _You two..._ " she begins by growling, not a trace of the sophisticated lady she was brought up to be (hmm, because this hobo right here sure knows how to breed a true, fine young lady) showing currently. " _I AM NOT A PIECE OF LIVESTOCK! DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT I BELONG TO SOMEONE!_ "

And with that, she runs (once again ignoring the fact that she should probably get to the hospital ASAP if she doesn't want to die of blood loss and pain right then and there) across the classroom and leaps out of the empty window frames.

"LUCY! I LOVE YOU!"

"WHAT ABOUT OUR WEDDING IN VEGAS? ELVIS ALREADY SAID THAT HE'D BE THERE!"

* * *

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Lucy mutters as she storms across the empty walkway (everyone else is in class, where they're _supposed to be_ ). Her arms are wrapped around her body, pushing her already bountiful chest upwards and squeezing them together in an unintentionally seductive way, drawing the attention of all the boys (who strangely appeared in the moments between her noticing there being no one around and her noticing the boys milling around-and did I mention that they're _boys_? As in _no girls_? Glad I could clear that up) _unintentionally_ , might I mention again.

Honestly, she doesn't no whether she's calling her father stupid, her two supposed "mates" stupid, her fiancé stupid, her father stupid, her delinquent who happens to want to beat guys into pulp for me stupid, herself stupid, or her father stupid.

 _Everyone is stupid_ , she finally decides after a few long seconds of hard pondering.

Sighing, Lucy slips into the secret glade that she found a couple years back in freshman year-it's been awhile since she's come to visit, and she hopes that the spirits of the area aren't mad at her (because even in the modern world, there's gotta be some tie between Lucy Heartfilia and celestial bodies).

She slowly slides down the trunk of the tree, miraculously not getting any of her clothing dirty or torn, and stares despondently at the wounds that pepper her skin. Now that she's no longer moving, the pain is finally setting in, and it hurts like _hell_.

"What am I going to do?" Lucy bemoans the situation, conveniently not noticing the four long shadows cast across the ground that she is currently staring at until a creepy voice interrupts her external monologue/complaints.

" _Parfume!_ "

Lucy, being the rational, logical young lady she is screams and scrambles as far away as possible from the stout man who jumped out from behind the tree, surrounded by a group of three other boys who are infinitely much better looking than him. "Pervert! Pedophile! Rape! AHHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

Alarmed, the four strangers freeze in front of Lucy, confused looks on their faces. After all, usually, girls start falling on their feet the moment they here Ichiya's scream (right, they're fainting from shock and terror), yet here's a seemingly sweet, innocent looking girl who is screaming such vulgar words insinuating such horrible deeds.

The one who practically nose-raped Lucy clears his throat before shaking his head. Raising on the tips of his toes, he begins to do the shimmy, moving from left to right, the perpetual shine on his flat nose jiggling. "No, we would never do that."

The other three, upon seeing their leader regain his composure, quickly cobble together theirs and surround Lucy. The fair-skinned blonde smiles cutely at her. "We just thought you were lonely."

The orange-haired heart breaker pulls a rose out from his pants (what is it with boys and pulling things out of places we don't want to know about?). "You look lovely as always, ugh...?"

Lucy scowls at him, yet can't help but feel flattered. "My name's Lucy.

"A beautiful name for an even more beautiful woman." The dark-skinned, cool-headed boy smiles at her, lightly reaching out and stroking her cheek gently.

"What a lovely _parfume_ you have, Miss Lucy!" the red-haired creep declares, still dancing around in a disturbingly revealing white suit. " _Men_!"

Lucy, despite feeling flattered by the attention she's garnering from at max three hot and sexy guys (the creep isn't even considered a boy), shifts away uneasily, slowly starting to stand up. "Well, this was fun and all, but you guys are creepy, I have a fiancé and two mates, and I'm really, really ugly, so bye."

She starts to limp away, but the dark-skinned boy reaches out and catches her wrist. "Wait. You can't go. You're injured."

"Huh?" is all Lucy can say before she feels his soft lips brush against the giant gash on her forearm (let's forget about the fact that he probably has STDs-I mean, you don't know where that mouth has been!-and that the probability of her gaining some sort of infection from such irresponsible treatment is, like, 250%).

The next thing the three boys plus one creep know, Lucy has collapsed onto the ground, tears streaming down her face.

"H-Huh?" is all _they_ can say before her wails begin to pierce the air.

"WAAH! NO! MY INNOCENCE! LYON, I'M SO SORRY FOR CHEATING ON YOU! EVEN THOUGH WE'VE ONLY MET FOR THE FIRST TIME THIRTY MINUTES AGO, I'VE ALREADY GIVEN MY INNOCENCE AWAY TO ANOTHER MAN! OH, THE HORRORS OF SANITATION! OH, THE HORRORS OF INDIRECT KISSING! I AM SO SORRY FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL, LYON! NATSU! GRAY! HELL, EVEN GAJEEL AND DAD! WAAAH! I'M GOING TO HELL!"

And because they are _true_ gentlemen ( _"Men!_ "), the three hot guys and one creep stay with Lucy in a paltry attempt at comfort, even though, ten hours later, they will end up leaving Fairy High grounds with ruptured eardrums and a hatred for all things salty.

* * *

 ***So I mentioned this in the first A/N and the one in the last chapter, but I will do so again because I _mean_ this-I know very well that topics such as depression, cacophobia, social anxiety, self-harm, self-hatred, etc. should not be made light of. These are serious problems that everyone deals with. I am only making a satire against stories that _use_ these topics as a sort of catalyst or even cause/basis for romantic relationships. Healthy relationships aren't formed purely based on, though I hate to say it, _mental disorders._ I swear that I don't meant ANY harm or ANY offense by integrating these themes into what's supposed to be a light-hearted, humorous story. I don't mean to take away from the gravity of the situation, and if you feel that I mean to do such a thing or am doing such a thing, please comment or PM me and tell me exactly what I should change so that no one will think of that. Again, a lot of things in this parody I do not personally agree with, nor would I ever purposefully promote them in real life.**

 **But what can I say? Fanfiction has made me into a terrible, terrible person. :p**

 **So now that all of my validation and heavy self-defense is over, I hope you guys liked the second chapter! Again, I was pretty much blown away by the amount of support the first chapter garnered in the first couple of days. Maybe it's just because I'm new, but none of my other stories have ever reached such amazing stats so soon, so I feel so accomplished when looking at this story (you know what I mean? You know what I mean? *nudge nudge* *wink wink*).**

 **Yeah, maybe later, I'll put a poll up (if I can figure out how to) asking what you want the final pairing to be. No parody can be complete without the most ridiculous, outlandish pairing possible! So, I'll but a bunch of random characters that you don't often see paired with Lucy, and if you think one would be fucking hilarious, drop by and press the button for your preferable pairing, yeah? Note: I do not feel comfortable writing polygamy, so pairings will only be between Lucy and one other person.**

 **I had an idea of who I wanted to pair with Lucy, but in light of the stellar (maybe not compared to other books, but for me, okay?) support I've received for this book, I've decided that I kind of want you guys involved in deciding the direction of this story! It's pretty open-ended, as I'm kinda writing with the flow, so if you have any ridiculous plot points you want me to write in, don't be afraid to comment!**

 **Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!**

 **Never (LivingDaLife)**


	3. Take Three

**A/N Hey y'all, I have arrived with my third update of my parody! Within four days,** ** _Take A Hint_** **has become my most popular fanfic.**

 **Wow. Just wow.**

 **Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.**

 **Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy)**

 _ **I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.**_

 **Disclaimer: I have no patience for anything that doesn't involve chocolate, so you see, creating two anime series with over a hundred episodes each would not be my forte. So, I do not own _Fairy Tail_ , I do not claim to own _Fairy Tail_ , and that is that.**

* * *

 _Take Three_

After ten hours of wailing over her loss of innocence to the dark-skinned boy's lips (only until a few months into her marriage-with whom, I won't reveal, 'cause this is written in third limited/omniscient, so I have the legal right to no disclosure-does she finally find out the names of the trio of hot boys plus one creep), Lucy Heartfilia finally sobers up enough to faint and magically appear in a blindingly white hospital room with a million of wires and things connected to her.

The nurse coincidentally opens the door to check on her the moment she opens her eyes, and upon seeing the girl awake, the pink-haired, stern-faced lady who looks too old to be part of the labor force of Fiore immediately turning around and sweeping out of the hospital room-most likely to get the doctor, but since Lucy Heartfilia has the self-esteem of Natsu Dragion (an exact carbon copy of Natsu Dragneel, her apparent dragon mate/childhood best friend/has no chance in hell with the superior Lucy, except Dragion is a freaking pussy who can't even speak without being broken into pieces by Lucy Ashley, Lucy's clone-created by the Anima branch of Edolas, some fancy science company that's technically illegal under the government of Fiore, but then again, her father's gambling habit had never really managed to distinguish laws from suggestions), she assumes that the woman left because Lucy's face is too ugly for her to handle.

Lucy stares up at the ceiling, tears threatening to escape from her eyes (threaten them back, Lucy #selfdefense) at the thought of not even someone who's literally _paid_ to be nice being able to stand her presence. Even when the door swings open and the nurse enters, followed by a man with shaggy black hair and clad in, of all things, a white bed sheet wrapped around a black trench coat.

The fashion faux pas immediately scares all the tears away from her eyes, and she can only gape at him as he further enters the room, a calm, nonchalant expression on his face, as if it's perfectly normal for someone to be wearing a bed sheet.

However, when he comes within a foot of her prostrate form on the bed, he freezes, eyes widening and hands raising. Waving them wildly, he gasps, "No...don't-don't come any closer to me!"

Lucy raises an eyebrow. _Wow, horrible fashion sense_ and _crazy?_ "What?"

"I'll kill you if you do!" The doctor turns tail and flees the room, brushing past the pink-haired nurse who merely sighs and slowly bends down to pick up the slip of paper that had fallen onto the ground, smoothing it out and approaching Lucy as if nothing out of the ordinary just happened.

"It looks like you've got multiple cuts, abrasions, and bruises all across your body, though mainly across your back and legs. We've done an operation on you without the consent of either you or your father, so we've taken out all of the glass shards that somehow managed to embed themselves within your bones and sew everything back up. So basically, right now you have the body and constitution of a patchwork doll created by a five-year-old klutz, and you'll probably die in a few months due to the fatal damage caused to your organs. So just sign here and here, and we can release you in the next hour or so."

Lucy, being the rational, intelligent protagonist she is, nods and signs the nurse's paper. A moment later, she steps out of the bed, all fine and dandy, and leaves the hospital, somehow wearing different clothes, even though she didn't make a stop to change or even _have_ different clothes on her in the first place.

She steps out of the hospital and a horde of guys immediately bombards her. She stares wide-eyed at the mess of tears and snot and unnatural, vibrant hair colors, as they all scream out variations of her name and tell her how "worried" about her they were.

"LUCE! MY MATE! I ALMOST DIED WHEN YOU WERE IN THAT HOSPITAL!" (And not when she was being pierced by a million shards because...reasons?)

"MY LOVE! MY BRIGHTEST STAR TWINKLING IN THE BLACK VELVET SKY! OH, DON'T EVER WORRY ME AGAIN THAT WAY, MY ONE TRUE LOVE! I WILL DRAW UP A STRAWBERRY AND VANILLA-SCENTED BATH RIGHT AWAY, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT THE AROMA OF FRUIT AND SCALDING WATER CAN CURE EVERYTHING!" (You do realize that an affair between an employer and employee is highly discouraged, right, Loke?)

"LUCY! _MY_ MATE! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WITH THAT IDIOTIC BROTHER OF MINE? HOW _DARE_ YOU CHEAT ON _ME_ , YOUR _MATE_? I'M GOING TO KEEP WHINING ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME OR STAY FAITHFUL TO ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I STRIP ON AN HOURLY OCCASION AND FLIRT WITH ANYTHING WEARING A SKIRT!" (To his credit, I would say the latter point would apply more to Loke than to Gray...)

"BUNNY GIRL! WE STILL HAVEN'T HAD THAT SHOWER SEX AND YOU'RE ALREADY DYING FOR ME! HOW DARE YOU! And how cute. BUT HOW _DARE_ YOU?" (When you think that a girl went to the hospital for you...that's when you know that you've got an appointment with Dr. Phil 'bout that ego check.)

"LUCY, THE WEDDING IS ALREADY OVER! SINCE WE MANAGED TO SOMEHOW MISS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE STUCK IN THE HOSPITAL FOR FATAL WOUNDS TO YOUR ARTERIES AND OTHER VITAL BODY PARTS, SOMEONE ELSE TOOK OUR SPOT _AND_ ELVIS! NO ONE DARES STEALS ELVIS FROM ME!" (You might as well have married Elvis then, Lyon. You could take some pointers from that hair, too.)

The screams of thousands of other boys all mingle together, but the aforementioned five somehow manage to be loud enough to reach dear Lucy-sama's ears.

Her heart palpitates, and she finds herself touched at the romantic insinuations of such a scene. _How sweet of them_...

"HEY, LUCE, I KINDA RAN OUT OF MONEY, AND HAPPY AND I ARE _STARVING_! THINK YOU CAN SPOT US SOME THOUSAND JEWELS?"

Oh, yes. How _very_ sweet of them.

* * *

Released from the hospital, Lucy winds up back at the enormous "foreclosure" mansion that has only been mentioned in one scene (excluding this one) thus far, despite the fact that she literally _lives_ in it, although not anymore, so that begs the question: how in the world was she able to get her hair smelling that good?

Most boys describe the aftereffects of her walking past them with blonde waves floating in the nonexistent breeze like supermodels in hair commercials as "intoxicatingly strawberry" or "addictingly vanilla" or (my personal favorite) "in your face strawberry, vanilla, and everything in between." (Real talk though, that last one sounds absolutely _disgusting_.)

Well, guess what the secret is?

Lucy smirks smugly at the reflection in her mirror, once again forgetting that she had been bawling her eyes out over how ugly and utterly worthless she is just that morning.

"My love, my brightest star twinkling in the black velvet sky! I have brought the smelling salts!"

Certainly not when Loke is washing her!

* * *

 **I guess you could call that last bit a little omake? I don't know, but I liked it. Honestly, I'm getting kind of pissed with the amount of fanfics I've read that describe Lucy's scent as "strawberry and vanilla," or just one of those.**

 **Honestly, what do you think that girl does? Bathe in crushed strawberries and vanilla extract? Why not just add the fermented grapes and grated cheese? She can be a gourmet dessert for all I care.**

 **Anyways, this was a short update, sorry! I didn't have much inspiration to finish until today, and honestly, I'm starting to run out of ideas. I guess I moved this story a little too fast, but if there's anything you'd like to add to this story, don't hesitate to comment it or PM me! I kinda want a more interactive story for this one, right?**

 **Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!**

 **Never (LivingDaLife)**

 **PS Guess who the doctor was! *wink***


	4. Take Four

**A/N Hey y'all, here's a new update for my most popular fanfic,** ** _Take A Hint_** **! Guess what-guess what-this is the** ** _first_** **fanfic I've written that exceeds three chapters!**

 **Now that I say that, it sounds kinda pathetic...:(**

 **And this is a bit late, but I was kinda running out of inspiration...help out your poor author and give her some awesome ideas, yeah? ;)**

 **Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.**

 **Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy), absolute chaos and stupidity**

 _ **I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.**_

 **Disclaimer: I have never owned _Fairy Tail_ , am not, and never will. Unfortunately.**

* * *

 _Take Four_

Lucy calmly runs the most expensive, luxurious, and, wait for it, _strawberry/vanilla-scented_ shampoo and conditioner _and_ body wash through her hair and over her body, ignoring the enormous banging that threatens to tear her bathroom door off its hinges. She even hums a little bit, just to seem a little bit more innocent and child-like-well, more than she is already.

"LUCY! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" says her father while he repeatedly slams his fists against the door in an attempt to knock it down. His black eyes are narrowed in absolute fury, pupils dilated with liquidated anger, balled fists trembling with the fiery need to scream at his daughter-you get the point.

"Not right now, I'm making myself look hot!" Lucy sings back, even as she continues to lather a ridiculously large amount of bubbles and soap across her skin.

"LUCY! I'M GOING TO RIP THIS DOOR OF THE HINGES RIGHT NOW!"

And, surprise, surprise, he does.

Lucy screams as her father barges into the room, wild with explosive emotions, and she begins to shriek at the top of her lungs, "PEDOPHILE! RAPIST! INCESTUOUS! LECHEROUS! HORMONAL SPAWN OF THE DEVIL! BLOODY TAMPONS! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!"

"NO ONE EVEN LIKES YOU!" A girl with short, white hair pops out from behind Lucy's father, and Lucy's lip immediately curls in disgust.

" _Lisanna_ ," she hisses, glaring at the girl who everyone seems to think belongs with Natsu. For some unknown reason, the idea doesn't settle well with Lucy. _Anyone with that hair color and-especially-being a part of the cheerleading team is worse than hell's kitchen._

A bright, angelic smile pulls at Lisanna's lips, and she waves genially at Lucy, complete sincerity shining in her eyes. "Hello! How's your new husband?"

Lucy hisses and bursts into tears, sliding further down into the soapy water. _Why does she hate me so much?_

"HOW DARE YOU NOT MARRY LYON?" Lucy's father, having been forgotten up until that moment, jumps into the lull of conversation (due to plot convenience) with a furious question. "NOW HE WON'T GIVE ME ANY MONEY! HE'S RUNNING OFF WITH FUCKING ELVIS! _ELVIS_ , I TELL YOU, _ELVIS_! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY _WORTHLESS_!"

And with that being said, Jude Heartfilia pulls a bottle of sake and a stack of papers out of thin air (okay, some sort of conspiracy is going on, one that I am not aware of) and, downing the sake like it's soy sauce, throws the paper into the bathtub before running off on a rainbow-farting unicorn.

Lucy stares down at the sheets of paper floating in the water, and upon seeing that they're divorce papers, already signed and marked with hearts over the "y" by Lyon Vastia. Another sob breaks out before her sadness turns into fiery rage and she picks all the pages up and, despite them being utterly sodden, rips them apart and balls them into tiny, dense spitballs.

"HOW _DARE_ HE DIVORCE ME? WE WEREN'T EVEN _MARRIED_!" Lucy screams, red tainting her vision.

She then goes on a rampage in her ex-room, forgetting all about Lisanna, who sits on a magically levitating tea table while drinking posh tea, watching it all go down.

* * *

Meanwhile, all the way across the world in Gray's sitting room...

"GRAY-SAMAAAAA~~~~!"

Gray is trying not to drown in Juvia's overwhelming love for him. "Get away from me! My mate is Lucy!"

Juvia immediately freezes in place, the most heartbroken expression on her face, before her eyes morph into glinting stars that shoot lasers that head directly towards Lucy Heartfilia...

"LOVE RIVAL!"

Erza and Natsu sit in the corner of the room, the former holding a plate of strawberry cheesecake in her hand as she professes her undying love for Heart Kreuz jackets while the latter practically strangles his biological miracle of a blue cat with permanent white rogue marks on its cheeks and argues with his therapist over the phone ("I swear that Happy can talk! He can also hold me in his tail and fly me all over Fiore!").

The door slowly inches forward, and a pair of dull, brownish-gray eyes slowly rises to peek over the little wall that separate the foyer from the sitting room. That pair is quickly followed by another pair of matching brown eyes, except this time, they are utterly contemptuous and full of disdain.

"Carla..." The first pair of eyes glances down towards her companion, who stares back at its master. "Demo..."

After having a silent debate with her cat, Wendy Marvell slowly retreats, closing the door behind her.

 _Let's pretend we didn't see anything, Wendy._

* * *

In the shadows of the night, under the dancing rays of the moonlight, a motorcycle speeds through the streets, cutting corners and riding straight over curbs, and-

OH MY SWEET BABIES SPAWNED BY MIRAJANE'S TERRIFYING IMAGINATION, he's going over the speed limit by _1 mile per hour_.

#whatarebel

Pulling to a stop in front of some random dead end, the motorcyclist takes off the sweet helmet, revealing a head of blonde, almost white, hair and a handsome face sporting a sardonic smirk that sends girls to their graves.

"I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life chose me," he boasts to the nonexistent crowd of screaming fans.

 _Cue dramatic thunder and epic music._

* * *

 **I'm crying...what am I even writing? XD**

 **Seriously though, I'm starting to run out of ideas...so if any of you want to add anything to this random-ass story, just comment it or message me, and I will find some way to incorporate it into this story (with proper credit, of course).**

 **I think I'll be putting up the poll in a few chapters, the one for the final pairing with Lucy, but I don't know. I'm not sure how long I want this story to last, but eventually, it's going to have to end, right?**

 **By the way, sorry for how short the updates have been lately, and for how long the A/N's are. Another piece of evidence as to how little inspiration I have right now...**

 **Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!**

 **Never (LivingDaLife)**


	5. Take Five

**A/N Hey y'all, back with a new update for my most successful and random-ass fanfic on here after a month long hiatus with no explanation whatsoever! Hooray! *pops confetti* *utter silence***

 **Anyways, good news, I posted a poll,** **and it's on what the final pairing should be. You can choose up to three people (you don't have to), and all of the options will be the most random-ass, most blindsiding characters (so basically, no Nalu, Gralu, Lalu, Sticy, Rolu, Colu, Midlu, Galu, Lolu, etc. etc.), so choose the one you guys think would be the most hilarious, and I will find some way to make that happen (and yes, yuri is included-no polygamy though). The poll will be up for the entirety of the book, and if I ever manage to get around to finishing it, it will eventually be taken down.**

 **So go check it out!**

 **Now that the boring part is over, let's move on! Ooh, also, a reply to a review I got on the last chapter (btw, this take is actually inspired by this person, so props to you! XD):**

 **kurahieiritr JIO: glad you like it so far! You know, it's funny, but originally, I planned for the motorcyclist to be Sting (I've read a few reverse harems, and almost all of 'em have him as some sort of gang leader/delinquent), but then you wrote about Laxus and I was like, "My writing sucks, I can't even convey the right characters!" But then I thought over it and decided to throw a huge curveball, which eventually morphed into the crazy ass piece of hot mess you'll be reading here, so thank you for misunderstanding (and providing awesome writing fodder)! This one's for you! XD**

 **Extended Summary: Modern AU. Should she choose the sweet next-door neighbor, the childhood friend who's always "friend zoned," the player who turns into a puddle of mush around her, the nerd with an IQ of over 200, the popular heartthrob who just so happens to have his sights set on her, the goth boy who hangs out in the corners of the room and always speaks in riddle, the delinquent who somehow makes beating people into pulp seem romantic, etc. The possibilities are endless! Oh, boy, Lucy Heartfilia's life is just so hard! Crack.**

 **Warnings: ABSOLUTE CRACK, Lucy's reverse harem, mentions of yaoi and yuri, swearing, perverts, shameless flirting, face-palm situations, characters who you just want to bitch slap, modern AU, shameless use of teen fiction clichés, heavy sarcasm, dark themes (that I use in order to create a satire-the way I portray them IS NOT what I think of in real life, I swear, fanfiction has just turned me into a horrible, horrible person), OOCness from practically everyone (mainly Lucy, though), extreme bipolarness and randomness from practically everyone (especially Lucy), absolute chaos and stupidity, discrimination, controversial topics mentioned in controversial ways**

 **Just a note: the ages for the characters will never be revealed-they'll mainly be alluded to, so don't be surprised if Lucy is a high school student but Cana is of legal drinking age (in US) and works at some sleazy stripper club (may or may not be true). Also, physical appearances will vary-some will be from before the time skip, some will be from after.**

 _ **I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND ANYONE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM WITH THIS PORTRAYAL OF STEREOTYPES THAT I PERSONALLY DO NOT AGREE WITH. I DO NOT MEAN TO INSINUATE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THAT ANYTHING IN THIS STORY IS ACCEPTABLE OR EXPECTED, BECAUSE A LOT OF THEMES IN THIS ARE NOT. This was all written for comedy's purpose, I swear, though I bet it was a failed attempt at humor.**_

 **Disclaimer: Man, the things I would do if I owned _Fairy Tail_...you don't want to know what messed up shit would pop up in there.**

* * *

 _Take Five_

Lucy Heartfilia taps her foot impatiently as she waits in the reception area to the police department.

Now, why is she here?

Because of her dumb fucker of a father.

And what did he do?

Oh, I don't know, maybe he _got into fucking debt through gambling, then decided that it would be a smart idea to waste their nonexistent credit on meth and other shit to get high as a kite?_

So basically, twenty pounds, a fist fight, and a phone call in which she ruptured the receptionist's eardrum and forced him into the psychiatric ward ("DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING SENSITIVE MY EARS ARE? HOLY SHIT, WOMAN!") later, Lucy silently fumes as she waits to be lead where her father is currently being held. Why she's even here, she has no idea.

She should just leave him to go die in a ditch or something.

"Ms. Heartfilia?"

Lucy's head snaps up at the sound of that overly saccharine, sugar sweet voice that she is far too familiar with. She swallows a lump upon seeing THE Mirajane "Demon" Strauss-devil Lisanna's older, hotter, and more terrifying sister. Forcing a polite smile onto her face (again-that hair color + sweetness = THEY'RE PLOTTING TO SKIN ME ALIVE AND LEAVE MY BODY TO ROT), Lucy stands and moves towards the woman, who smiles genuinely (read: plastically) back at her. "That's me."

"Oh! You're Lisanna's friend, right? I'm her older sister!"

Lucy's teeth gnash together at the sound of "Lisanna" and "friend" strung together in one sentence, but she takes in a deep breath through her nose before letting it all out in one go. "Yeah, you could say that."

"Aren't she and Natsu just the cutest things-oops, I mean, couple? ACK! Just imagine the babies!" Forgetting all about her job (which is supposed to be escorting a fuming Lucy to her soon-to-be-convicted-or-dead-by-his-daughter's-hand-whichever-comes-first father), Mirajane twirls around with her hands permanently superglued to her cheeks, her pupils suddenly (and unnaturally) turning into hearts as she goes off into la la land, imagining her younger sister's sex life. "White haired and black eyed babies! Or pink haired and blue eyed babies! Tanned skin or white skin? Nah, white, because we're all racists-ooh, ooh, I'm going to spoil them rotten with strawberry milkshakes and fire chicken and-IMAGINE THE FUCKING BABIES!"

Lucy watches in bewilderment and annoyance as the older Strauss sister appears to have a coronary and falls onto the floor, the craziest Joker smile cracking her unconscious face in half. "Umm..."

A pile of papers popped out of the doorway that Mirajane is currently blocking, and Lucy has to blink a couple of times before realizing that, no, a stack of paperwork did not just parade on a pair of human legs in front of her-someone who happens to be very, very short is carrying it.

A slight gasp comes from behind the papers, and Lucy blinks again as they're dropped, a cascade of deathly sharp edges falling to the floor as a flash of dark pink, almost red hair registers in her mind before she finds herself staring down at a girl who only looks a few years younger than Lucy herself kneeling next to the spastic demon sister, a complete, blubbery mess.

Lucy, despite being in a rather bitchy mood, practically melts upon seeing the cute, clumsy little thing (ahem, did I say thing? I meant person-really, I did-don't look at me with those eyes!), and she kneels down next to her, asking, "Are you okay?"

The girl turns her head to stare morosely at Lucy before gazing back at Mirajane. "I have to get her to the hospital!"

Another head pops out of the doorway-a head of dark pink hair that is the exact same shade as the girl kneeling next to Lucy. The only difference between the two girls is that the one who is standing looks older and far more mature (read: developed) than the girl kneeling on the ground. "Sherria? What's wrong-oh! See-" At this point, the older girl points triumphantly into the air, announcing proudly to no one in particular, "-this is what Mira lacks! Ai*! Without ai,no one can survive! Mira did not have ai-therefore, she has fainted!"

Lucy stares at the strange girl, a deadpan look on her face. _Dafuq is this girl talking about?_

Before she can even begin to question aloud, a hand clamps on the older girls' shoulder. She jumps but, upon turning around, backs away immediately, revealing a tall mountain of a man with a bald head but a ridiculous beard. "Jura-sama," she murmurs respectfully, and Lucy rolls her eyes back to land on the pink/red-haired menace incredulously-one moment, she's practically sparkling and glowing while pretentiously spouting some shit about ai (whatever the _hell_ that is-she doesn't want to go anywhere near it if it'll turn her into pink/red-haired menace number two), and the next, she's all demure and quiet.

 _Bipolar much?_

The man, identified as Jura, bows his head respectfully towards Lucy, who, shaking off her incredulity and increasing desire to hightail it out of there, nods in return. "I apologize profusely for any trouble that my colleagues have caused you. I will escort you to your father's cell, if you so desire...?"

Deciding that it'd be a good idea to get this entire thing done and over with, Lucy shrugs and steps over the mess of papers and Mirajane's jumbled limbs. "Yes, please."

Jura nods sagely before turning around, letting the cloak draped over his broad shoulders billow slightly in the draft created by his large body turning so swiftly and gracefully (like a ballerina) in place. Lucy, as she follows him, can't help herself from internally ranting on the very obvious fire hazard that such an article of clothing is, not to mention that he's wearing it in a _police department_ of all places.

Jura leads her through a work area of some sorts, and Lucy can't help but look around curiously. Desks piled with stacks and stacks of paper are spaced throughout the room, though no one seems to actually be _working_. Only one person seems to be actually _doing_ something-a man with long black hair styled perfectly such that a bun sits atop his head and two locks of hair frame his face. A pair of spectacles balances atop his straight nose, and his face is utterly blank as his hands furiously dance across the keyboard, little clacking sounds heard all the way across the room. Little clusters of people are scattered all across the work place. A group composed of all girls and one guy whose expression looks to be a cross between "why the hell am I the only guy here?" and "I think I've died and gone to heaven" sit (and stand) a little bit away from the workaholic man. There are five girls; the only one standing has sleek, jet black hair lightly colored purple under the bright lighting with a white ribbon tied around her head, its knot resting on the crown of her head. Her front is facing Lucy, so she can see the girl's angular face with large, intense brownish hazel eyes. Even as she's obviously relaxed and chatting with her co-workers, her hand hovers over her hip, where an empty holster is strapped to her belt, the gun that is most likely meant to rest in it sitting on the desk directly behind her. The other four girls (of which three are facing away from Lucy) seem much less tensed and ready to blow someone's head of his/her neck at a moment's notice, though Lucy _does_ have something to say about that hair.

Just...really? What the hell is that green monstrosity-it looks like a lab experiment gone wrong, and who the hell wears pigtail braids anymore? What is this, kindergarden? Not to mention that wild mess of black hair (it's like an afro-enormous, puffy, and looks like its hiding some unsavory things)-and don't even mention the cat ears.

The fucking cat ears.

And what the hell is that guy thinking-never mind, how much hair product did he have to use to get his hair to stick up like that? Honestly, the dude looks like he's growing a fish tail on his head.

"WATCH OUT!"

Lucy only catches sight of the incoming flying projectile for a moment before shrieking and throwing herself as far away from the barrage of sand and dirt and tangled limbs that were thrown in her direction. Due to her graceless dodge, she ends up tackling someone onto the ground, even as shouts of apologies reach her ear.

"Ow," Lucy mutters, rubbing her forehead, which had slammed into something hard and wooden and...what the hell is that? All she can tell is that it's large and wooden and may have given her a concussion. (That's why she repeated wooden again-definitely _not_ because the author was too lazy to search up another adjective.)

"That voice! Those eyes! That mouth! That hair! That bosom! That waist! Those legs! All of it makes my Fibonacci sequence chirp! It spells out...L-O-V-E! That's love! True Love!"

Lucy shrieks again as the thing under her actually _speaks_ , and she careens off of it as fast as she can, a look of absolute terror and horror painted across her face. "No. No, no, no, no, there is _no_ love in this place!"

The terrifying guy who had spouted nonsense pushes himself up off the ground, dusting his-is that a skirt?-clothes off. Crimson hair brushes across his brow, and his red (seriously, Lucy is starting to doubt that anyone in this godforsaken country has _normal_ genetics other than her) eyes glitter madly as they land on Lucy-well, not her _face_ , but I guess her _boobs_ are the next best option. "You may have just tackled me-quite rudely, mind you-"

"And for that I'm sorry, can we please move on?"

"-I'm not finished yet-and you may have just insulted multiple people by saying that love doesn't exist in this facility, but don't worry baby, I'm willing to forgive you. We can make it work-we'll go on a date under the starry heavens, your beautiful features awash with warm candlelight, my rugged features shrouded in darkness, because opposites attract, or the author just wanted to throw in some sort of bullshit angst, and then we marry, have sex, and fornicate like bunnies!"

Lucy just gapes at the guy who straightens his back proudly and places his fists on his hips, the largest (and I _do_ mean largest-his smile has got to take up at least the entire bottom half of his face, and she has yet to see his gums) smile Lucy has ever seen pasted onto the smug bastard's face. He looks absolutely ridiculous with his (poorly done) Superman stance, billowy, quite feminine skirt (#nohomotho), and-what the hell, is that a _butcher knife_? And a _cutting board_?

It's official, everyone here is fucking crazy.

Lucy is about to open her mouth and release a scathing rebuff full of choice words when her feet suddenly fly out from under her (also successfully flashing the entirety of the police department) and she lands, once again, on another sentient being.

"Oh no!" the creep exclaims from above Lucy, unable to keep his eyes off of certain parts of her anatomy. "Mrs. Straight has been hurt! I will save her!"

"Please don't," Lucy snaps, blinking her eyes as she tries to reorient herself.

"Would you get off of me?" an indignant voice sounds from underneath her, and Lucy glances down to see who she's currently suffocating (because that's a totally logical thing to do), only to get an eyeful of her own cleavage. "Um, how about now, I'm kind of dying here. You're fucking heavy."

"Oh, sorry!" Lucy jumps off of the person before the words register in her head, and she scowls. "Hey! I am _not_ fat!"

"Sure didn't feel like it," the person mutters, adjusting the feathery dress (feathers, feathers _everywhere_ , it's a _nightmare_ of dead birds) that clings tightly to her curves. "And Dan, sweetie, if you get one step closer to me, I'll gut you alive. You may be in charge of filing restraining orders, but that doesn't mean that _I_ can't throw you in jail."

"Oh, it's my dream to be verbally abused by Angel-sama!" Dan crows, clapping his hand together and running forwards, his lips puckered for a kiss, only to be knocked out by an enormous feathery fan, held by Angel herself. An enormous red matching tick mark appears on her head, and she whacks him again, sending him flying across the room and sending other people careening as he slams into a rather round (read: fat) man with an atrocious bob hairstyle. A necklace of skulls (Lucy hopes that they aren't real) adorns his nonexistent neck, a blood red cape hanging around his body, which, when Dan crashes into him, flies up, showing Lucy more than she ever wanted to know of the male body (especially _this_ male body). A mess of papers from the bulletin board the guy had been standing in front of rip from their thumbtacks, floating around the air as both men let out in sync groans.

"Damn creep, if he didn't work here, he'd be rotting away in jail by now," Angel mutters under her breath, storming away, back towards a group consisting of three guys locked in a perpetual stare down, one with the same round (read: fat), if at a greater degree, stature as the guy who had gotten bowled over, another with a fit body and bright orange hair tied up in a ponytail, the last who looks the most normal of all, with brown hair and plain casual clothing. Some weirdo wearing a blue turban and a bright orange turban dances over to the group, somehow managing to contort his body in ungodly ways. They all shut up, though, when Angel stomps up to them, a black, menacing aura seeming to pour from her.

"DON'T YOU DARE THROW ME AND THIS BUMBLING CONTORTIONIST ACROSS THE ROOM TOGETHER EVER AGAIN, YOU DICKS FOR BRAINS!"

"Let's go on, shall we?"

Lucy nods numbly as Jura gently steers Lucy out of the chaos and towards her father.

She's never been so excited to see his ugly face.

* * *

Lucy lets out a sigh of relief when Jura closes the door behind her and him, shutting out the cacophony that is left behind. The room is dark, only a line of fluorescent lights providing enough illumination to see by. An officer sits at a desk next to the door. His legs are propped up on the sleek surface, nonchalantly leaning back on the swivel chair, the very picture of "I'm slacking off." His hair is slightly shaggy, and a scar in the shape of an "x" is glaringly obvious on his left cheek, along with the array of scars across his eyebrow and brow.

A pile of rainbow-colored rubber bands sits on the desk in front of him. Every so often, he leans forward to grab one and add it to the ever growing rubber band ball in his hands. He doesn't seem to notice the two until Jura clears his throat. "Doranbolt."

Doranbolt sighs, glancing up at Jura and Lucy before grabbing another rubber band. "Old man, how many times have I told you to call me _Mest_. Or even _Gryder_. That was a one-time thing; it's never going to happen again." Doranbolt shifts in his seat, dropping his feet from the desk. "By the way...who's the chick? Do you want to eat snow?"

Lucy blinks slowly at the question. "Who the hell are you and why are you speaking to me, peasant?"

Doranbolt shrugs, covering a yawn with his hand. "Well, suit yourself."

"Your father is this way."

Lucy nods and follows Jura towards the end of the room. It seems pretty empty, although she catches sight of a few people inside the cells. A group of three with varying physiques all decked out with greasy hair and shiny body suits that leave nothing to the imagination. Every so often they shout out, "The Jiggle Butt Gang!" or "We will rob you blind!" or something along those lines.

If anything else, they should've been lucked up for horrendous (mis)use of hair products.

Lucy stumbles a bit when she sees the person a few cells down from the Jiggle Butt Gang. It's the doctor who said he would kill her. He's sitting on the cold stone floor, seemingly meditating. The bed sheet seems none the worse for wear, and the fashion faux pas still terrifies Lucy beyond being terrified.

Well, there's no need to guess how _he_ got in here.

The next person well and truly shocks Lucy, though. A slight sneer pulls at her lips when she sees him, while he merely laughs at her. "How's dear Erza?" he calls tauntingly through the bars, cause Lucy to tremble with rage. It's only through sheer willpower and dignity that she manages to restrain herself from breaking him out of the cell, if only to send him to the morgue immediately afterwards.

She hadn't expected to see Siegrain here, but then again, considering how much of a snot-nosed prick he is, it's no wonder that he would end up down here. The Fernandes triplets absolutely baffle Lucy-how is it possible for three identical triplets to be so different from each other? And even though Siegrain has the same blue hair, the same mouthwatering physique (not that Lucy would ever tell Erza-technically, the two aren't actually dating, but it's painfully obvious to everyone that Erza has the _biggest_ crush on the boy), event he same damn tattoo as Jellal and Mystogan, the three are as different as heaven, earth, and hell.

The very fact that Lucy can distinguish who he is is reason enough. So all she does is stick her tongue out at him (because this makes her seem brave and indifferent about others' opinions, even though in reality she's a five-year-old stuck in a teenager's body) and move onwards.

Jura stops at the last cell, and once Lucy steps up to the bars, he nods towards Doranbolt. "You have thirty minutes. I'll be waiting there."

As Jura leaves, his platform sandals slapping against the floor with each step he takes, Lucy stares at her father, who's currently curled up on the bed. Her eyes sweep the cell, lip curling in disgust at what she sees-a meager attempt at providing the luxurious _necessities_ required by a Heartfilia. A bed (nothing more than a block of stone and a threadbare blanket-not even a pillow), a sink (which Lucy doubts even _has_ running water), and a toilet (the putrid scent makes Lucy want to faint-there is _no_ reason for a teenager to ever find out what her father's shit smells like) are the only things that furnish the cell.

It's not like Lucy was expecting five-star accommodations, but how about a little Windex?

"Dad," Lucy finally calls out after her scathing assessment of her father's holding cell. She's still really pissed off at him, but he's not a _terrible_ father. After all, he set her up with sex god Lyon, so props to him.

Jude shifts, mumbling something under his breath, but otherwise doesn't make a move to get up or to even acknowledge his daughter's presence. Lucy's face creases into a scowl, and she leans forward, wrapping her hands around the bars. "Wake up, you useless excuse for a father!"

Jude shifts again, his face turning towards Lucy. Her face darkens upon seeing his open mouth and closed eyes, the line of drool glistening in the dim lighting causing disgust to arise within her. "Free fucking lottery tickets!"

Jude immediately shoots up, the blanket sliding off of him and pooling onto the floor, but that doesn't matter to him. His mussed mane of blonde hair bounces around his head as he shoots towards Lucy, crazed eyes glinting with determination to get as many tickets as possible. "What? Where? What's the prize? Oh, hey, Lucy. WHERE ARE THE FREE FUCKING LOTTERY TICKETS?"

Lucy lets go of the bars, glaring at her father, even as he willfully ignores her to search for the elusive lottery tickets. "Nowhere, old man, there's no such thing as free fucking lottery tickets. Now tell me why the hell you're here."

Jude pouts, stomping his foot like a toddler throwing a tantrum. "But I want my free fucking lottery tickets!"

"Well, you can't fucking have them, you fucking maggot, because you are fucking stuck in fucking jail. Who the fucking hell believes that free fucking lottery tickets are going to be fucking handed out to fucking people like fucking you? Now fucking answer my fucking question or you're going to fucking stay here, you fucking got it?"

Jude slowly blinks at Lucy, watching as she tries and fails to control her harsh breathing. "The repetition of the word 'fucking' leaves something to be desired."

Lucy's nostrils flare, and before she can rip into her father again, he raises his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay! I got it! I got thrown in here because I couldn't pay my debts off!"

"No fucking way!" Lucy gasps in mock horror, the burning glare on her face almost reducing Jude to tears. "I fucking thought you wanted a free living space!"

Jude scowls, crossing his arms. "Well, it's all your fault!"

"How is this _my_ fault? You're the one who gambles more money than he has!"

"If you had gone off and married Lyon, I would've been able to pay everything off! But _nooooo_ , you just _had_ to get hit by those falling glass windows and get stuck in the hospital with fatal wounds and miss the wedding! Lyon refused to give me the money, and now I'm stuck here, and it's all because of _you_! That's why you've gotta give me money and post bail while I conveniently forget the fact that you basically don't have any money since I gambles it all away! GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY, LUCY!"

Lucy raises her leg and slams her foot into her father's face through the bars, watching with satisfaction as he somehow flies across the cell and slams into the wall, falling and landing with his head stuck in the toilet bowl. "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GLAD YOU'RE STUCK HERE! ROT IN HELL, JUDE HEARTFILIA, I'M FUCKING DISOWNING YOU!"

And without any court procedures or legal documents proving/validating her bold words, Lucy storms away from her father and towards Jura and Doranbolt, who are both staring at her with shocked and (though they'll never admit it) rather terrified looks on their faces. "I want to get out of here."

Just as Jura, still in his shellshocked state, steps away from Doranbolt to lead Lucy out of the station (while sending concerned looks towards Jude's cell), the door swings open, revealing Mirajane, who seems to have recovered from her moe-induced coronary, and a blonde-haired figure.

Lucy immediately forgets all about her seething rage upon getting an eyeful of sex-on-a-stick right in front of her.

 _Well, then_.

The guy's dark blonde hair reaches his shoulders, covering his left eye while exposing his right. Piercing yellow orbs (#orbsforlife) stare into Lucy as a full-toothed grin pulls at his lips, revealing the sharpest canines Lucy has ever seen. She practically drools at the sight of the muscles rippling under his arms and the rest of his body. Despite the fact that he's wearing the oddest outfit ever (notwithstanding Mr. It's All Right If I Wear A Bed Sheet Over A Trench Coat), consisting of fingerless gloves that reach his elbows, a beige-colored jacket tied around his waist, calf-length pants, a scarf that splits into two parts behind him, and _nothing else_ (not that she's complaining-those abs...), Lucy is loving what she sees.

Even is he's wearing a golden cat ear headband and has attached a fake golden cat tail to his behind.

 _And what a nice ass that would be..._

His grin stretches even wider as Lucy rather conspicuously checks him out, and he graces her with the honor of having her actions being reciprocated. That is to say, he checks her out unabashedly as well.

Mirajane, who, despite all of her self-proclaimed "Matchmaker genes," seems oblivious to the very obvious mental undressing the two blondes are subjecting each other to, cheerily exclaims, "Hi, Mest! We have another one! This little troublemaker here-Jackal, isn't that suck a cute name? I love dogs, who doesn't, you can ship them with almost _anything_!-was filmed breaking the speed limit by _one mile per hour_! Anyways, he's going to be staying here until someone posts bail, or he's going to trial. Toodles!"

Just as Mirajane is about to leave, she glances over her shoulder and sends a very conspicuous wink towards Lucy (it looks more like a rather concerning eye twitch). "You should come visit me-we can discuss ship names for Natsu and Lisanna! I'm thinking Nali, doesn't that sound so fucking cute?"

Lucy's eye twitches (and no, this is _not_ a wink), but Mirajane doesn't seem to notice as she lets out a peal of banshee-like laughter and skips away.

 _Damn her to hell. Wait, she's a demon, maybe she'll actually_ like _hell. Fine, then, damn her to heaven!_

"So, your name's Lucy, huh?"

Lucy's attention is immediately drawn to Jackal, who's grin only widens even further (how his face hasn't split in half yet, Lucy isn't sure). "You're Jackal? Like the dog?"

Jackal's eyes narrow while his grin only grows. "I feel like we're going to be seeing each other very soon."

Doranbolt stands up, walking around the desk to roughly grab Jackal's arm. He doesn't like the way the delinquent's eyes are glinting down at the weak, innocent blonde (though after that kick, Doranbolt's starting to have some doubts about that). "Shut up, mangy bastard."

Jackal chuckles as Doranbolt leads him down, towards one of the cells. As he brushes past Lucy, he breathes just loud enough for her to hear, "Very, very soon, little kitty."

 _BOOM!_

 _Oh, would you look at that, my ovaries just exploded._

* * *

 **And there we have it! Some new random characters I stuck in an even more random situation. Also, a long update for a long wait (even though I bet that half of it is just the author's notes instead of actual content).**

 **Anyways, remember-the poll is up, so if you want to vote, go and do that now! I'm pretty sure that voting is anonymous, but I made it a live poll, so the results will be visible to you people. Please do vote, I want to see if you guys find some of these pairings to be just as funny as I do!  
**

 **Yeah. Peace, see ya next time, hope you liked it!**

 **Never (LivingDaLife)**


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